Me, Myself and I

Today was a big day for me. I finally committed to breaking free of my cozy little Camino family and venture on without them. I walked 30 kms into Astorga and now i don't recognize any of the pilgrims around me. This is big for me because I won't have my chums to distract me from myself anymore. 

It is only recently that I've realized how much I enjoy socializing. I have been making a concerted effort to prioritize time with my family and friends for a while now, and that's been very rewarding. 

There is no question that all of us  want and need connection. All along the Camino I see evidence of it:  pilgrims are compelled to join in and share of strange little rituals like piling rocks on each other in honour of loved ones, or putting branches in chain link fences in the form of crosses, or building multitudes of inukshuks. We all want to be part of something bigger. Even the act of walking the Camino is evidence of our need for a shared experience. 

In fact, collective social activity has resulted in some pretty major accomplishments - like the magnificent cathedrals I've been frequenting lately. 

But now the Camino is gently teaching me the value of solitude. But this pilgrimage invites me to value private introspection. No one can walk 800 kilometres without coming face to face with themselves. 

At first, I thought my Camino was like a grand sightseeing adventure. I was enthralled with the changing landscapes. Then this walk morphed into a sort of mobile social event.  But now, I feel like my camino has evolved into a true pilgrimage:  i seem to be moving inside of myself more and more and i am really using this opportunity to explore my thoughts. 

I have historically disliked being alone with my thoughts. I have kept myself ridiculously busy my whole adult life to avoid dealing with them. Not the best policy, but a fairly common one.  Why am I afraid of my thoughts?  Probably because I don't like them. Sometimes they're not very nice. I judge others, then I judge myself for my judgemental thoughts. Ewww. 

The Camino's brilliance is that if forces a pilgrim to deal with her thoughts. I can't get busy and do something else - I can only walk and think....today I had 9 full hours with just me, my thoughts, and I. I can't even get distracted with external details - food, shelter, everything is taken care of.  I am left with no responsibility other than dealing with my own demons. Brilliant!  

And there is certainly no need to rush here on the Camino, either.  Rushing, accountability, responsibility and productivity are not welcome here. There are no takeout coffees to be had. Pilgrims will naturally find the selves paying more attention to their internal world. 

Moreover we are free to hide behind the language barrier if we choose - there is a fundamental respect on the path and within the albergues that allows each pilgrim privacy and solitude. 

With all this time to think, I'm entertaining myself by mulling over every single thought that enters my head. I study my thoughts in great detail and try to figure out where each one comes from and what new thought i'd prefer to replace it with. This slow and intentional practice results in a softer, more loving way of connecting with my world. My initial harsh judgements can evolve into understanding, acceptance, gratitude and forgiveness. I can see patterns I want to change and I can change the actions and behaviours that result from my thoughts. Lotsa fun!

I plan to play with this practice every day until I'm really good at it. It's hard to feel anxious about being alone when I am keen to welcome all my thoughts and study them. It is like a game for me (and of course I always like to take on a challenge). And so I am happy to be alone. I have nothing to fear.