I guess this is the REAL test of whether I've grown at all on the Camino:
It's Tuesday evening and I only have 3 more days of walking ahead of me followed by a couple of days to decompress in Santiago.
Today was the first and only day of perfect weather (the cold, wet weather is expected to return tomorrow). I Still needed my down vest, jacket, hoodie and gloves this morning, but it's mild enough tonight to actually sit outside without a coat.
It probably sounds like I'm obsessing about the weather, but when spending up to 9 hours walking outside, followed by the opportunity for evenings of exploration, relaxation or socializing outdoors, weather matters.
So tonight is one of my last evenings, blessed with perfect weather, that ill experience in my almost six weeks in Europe. Am I enjoying it fully or am I anxious about my choice of tonight's destination and/or the impending end of my travels?
If i have truly learned to be content and at peace with the choices I make and those that are made for me, I would be able to honestly say that all is perfect and I feel marvellous.
Sadly, that is not my first response. Here i am relaxing in a lovely, quiet village (Ligonde), watching myself wish I were perhaps in a bigger town tonight (like say, where watching the farmers herd the cattle through the main intersection weren't the most captivating activity or where the tractors didn't outnumber the cars...) And laughably, I'm actually anxious because i fear my Camino is almost over and i may not be completely cured of all my angst! i only have a few more days and I'm not perfect yet!!! oh no!!!!!
Pretty amusing, eh? (Geez, It can be SOOO complicated being me!)
It disturbs me that This chronic issue of my questioning if I'm in the "right" place even surfaces when I'm in a beautiful location, following a wonderful day, in the heart of an extended period of deep introspection. And even more ridiculously, when i observe my discontent, i cast judgement on myself for my "unreasonable" anxiety! Is there any hope for me?
I would like to arrive at a place inside of myself where I feel at peace under all but the most trying circumstances: where i trust fully that I'm always in the "right place", and not fearful or angry with myself for my own inadequacies. Is that achievable? How the heck do i get there?
Fortunately, Ive experienced many moments of contentment and even bliss, where i feel truly awake and alive. i know what it feels like to radiate and receive the pure energy of acceptance and love. Moreover, I've skrewed up a million times and I've witnessed how everything always works out just as it should. I know that ill never be perfect by everyone's standards, but that I'm perfectly worthy just as i am.
I intend to be happy with my choices and to accept who I am. Maybe someday I will find that I don't have to think about it anymore, peace will become my default state of being.
Earlier today it occurred to me that for the most part, have learned to walk the Camino at my own pace and be happy with that. I can walk for hours alone, but inevitably i will find either an old or a new Camino friend walking beside me at some point. My walking partners come and go, it is only I that remains constant. Over the last 740 kms I have become my own best walking mate. I am never lonely, and my pace is always perfect for me. Maybe I can always walk on my own and at my own pace, and yet feel whole, complete and good enough, all by myself.
So even if i don't actually feel like I'm perfect yet, i can still choose to celebrate my journey. I think ill just go grab me some pilgrim friends and have some fun on the sunny patio tonight. I will consciously acknowledge all the things I am grateful for - around me and inside of me. I will choose to look for God's perfect creation everywhere, and i will delight in every pleasure I can find.
Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. But I won't concern myself with that now. I am happy to be right here!
Postscript:
I had a lovely evening!
No comments:
Post a Comment