Sunshine in Spain

Wow. This just gets better by the day.

It's soooo nice to be here in fair weather! I'm lying on the grass by a river with a cold beer and wifi. I have a bed for the night in a clean and warm albergues (for the exorbitant cost of 10 euros). I've had a hot shower after hiking around 25 kms over yet another mountain (the high route via Pradela beyond Villafranca), done my daily yoga and washing, and am now feeling stupidly blissed out. This is f'ing awesome. I wish everyone could do this. 

I enjoyed a lot of great conversation today with a lovely German woman ive been spending time with. I am reminded of how important my relationships with my female friends are to me.  I am humbled and grateful to have a handful of beautiful, strong and loving female friends who are constant, encouraging and kind.

It's really only over the last six months or so that I've come to really value the importance of my female friends (including my mom) in my life. I'm embarrassed that its taken me this long to finally recognize that balanced, honest relationships with women are paramount to my well-being.  Its also only very recently that ive learned the importance of releasing the women from my life who are not good for me.

I look forward to nurturing and celebrating each of these wonderful relationships in the future. (Girls:  I hope you know who you are!  I love you!!!   My whole world is more awesome with you in it!!!)

Ps. This little pony was just born this morning!  How amazing to watch him jump and play on his first day in the grass!

Technical Difficulties

Yeah!!!! The weather is improving!  I can't tell you how awesome that is!  It didn't rain once today and that's a blessing for a pilgrim. It's tough to dry your clothes when it's cold and wet. 

Today i spent a few hours in Ponferrada ( a good sized town) and failed to find anyone to look at my brain damaged Nikon. Apparently I'd have to take it to Barcelona or Madrid for attention...And I'm not walking that far.  So I took my albatross to the post office and sent it forward to Santiago. It will be nice not to have to carry it anymore!  Then I bought a cute little 16 megapixel point and shoot camera. Strangely. The little sucker won't take a charge.  Hmmm, clearly the Camino needs to kick me in the head really hard to get the message across that I am NOT to obsess with photography on this trip...

then i got my haircut!  You know you're gone a long time when you need to get a haircut... I think I might have had the nicest hair on the Camino for the afternoon!

The sun came out in the afternoon after hours of walking through the city. it felt beautiful. I finished the day in a little town on the edge of a wine region (Cacabelos). I had a lovely meal with an international group I've been meeting at various alberges and cafes for several days.  I'm excited to be entering this beautiful region of Spain. There are more mountains in the distance!!!

Even the bark on the trees is interesting here:

Mountain Climbing

Wow. This was one of the most beautiful days I've ever seen. It was also a challenging day both physically and emotionally. 

It's hard to pick just a few photos to share here because I took dozens on my handy little iPhone. The irony is not lost that although i have to carry my heavy albatross DSLR camera, i was not able to use it to record the über magnificent scenery.  However, at least I had the iPhone and memories to last my lifetime. 

It was a physically challenging day due to the rocky, muddy footpath that led to possibly the highest point on the camino. Just to make it a little more challenging, it was a severely cold day, with very strong headwinds, and snow and rain for almost all of the 6 hours I walked up and then down the mountain. 

I'm snuggled in my sleeping bag now (at 6 pm) because the persistent cold rain outside is discouraging me from venturing out to find food. Which is unfortunate, because I'm not far from a beautiful little town which would be so much fun to visit otherwise. Sadly, I am not able to explore and enjoy most of these ancient medieval villages due to the cold, wet weather. 

I'm lucky to even have a bed to sleep here in Molinaseca tonight: there's nowhere left in area for the slower pilgrims to stay. 

It was a taxing day emotionally, as well. Today I arrived at the Cruz de Ferro, where pilgrims traditionally leave stones from home. The ritual occurred many hours into the cold, hard accent up the mountain, so i had lots of time to ponder what i wanted to leave behind me, symbolized by a Stone. My hands were completely numb and it was raining and windy, so i substituted the peanuts in my pockets for the stones I had brought. 

One of the benefits of not wearing any makeup and being whipped by snow and rain is that no one can tell when you cry. 

My precious little peanuts are nestled under that wooden cross among thousands of other stones. The letting go will be harder for me than getting my peanuts to the cross.  But I am at peace with my intent. 

Somehow after I moved on from that point, I felt a bit lighter and happier. It feels like I've done a lot of internal work here on my camino and i believe i will be better for it. 

I found myself immersed in this weird exercise i have come to enjoy where I quietly sing a little song that develops as I go along. It's fun and I surprise myself with what comes out. 

We shall see how much of my Camino experience stays with me upon my return to regular life at home. But I sure have some powerful memories to cherish forever. 

In The Rhythm

Haha!  I continued my celebration of solitude by sleeping in this morning!!!  It's 6:30 am and I'm just so comfy snuggled here in my cocoon-like sleeping bag. Im listening to the 50 or so pilgrims in this dormitory as they attend to their morning packup routine quietly and quickly in the dark. ... I now find comfort in the familiar sounds of rustling plastic bags, clips and zippers and creaky floors... 

It's lovely to not have to fit into anyone else's requirements. Yeah me!!!  Now THIS is freedom!

Wow:  somewhere in the last 17 nights in each of these strange places I have learned to actually like them.  Here in Astorga i could have opted for a private hotel room with big towels and no one snoring beside me. But ive grown to like it here with my fellow pilgrims. Who knew?

7:50 pm

Sadly, it seems my much abused Nikon camera has decided it's had enough of the Camino.  Ive had much fun with it and expect more fun over the summer viewing and editing my favourite camino photos. 

 Interesting:  my original draw to the Camino was that I felt it provided a relatively safe way for me to explore and photograph abandoned rural Spanish villages. I laughed cynically at all the crazy mid-life mystical, spiritual awakenings everyone talks about...

But now I'm here without my camera...Hmmmm:  I feel the Camino has something else in store for me. I'm not sure what, but I'm convinced it is for my benefit somehow...

Fortunately, I'm well into the rhythm of my pilgrimage at this point and nothing really bugs me anymore. I even found myself walking slower today (or maybe it was the driving cold wind and rain in my face).  I'm more relaxed and at peace with whatever happens next. 

My body surprises me daily. Overnight all my little aches and pains magically heal themselves. I always feel fresh and strong in the morning.  Maybe the Camino is teaching me to trust that everyday is a new beginning.  It seems like my body and my mind are finally trusting that all will be fine and there is never a need to worry about the future:  My backpack isn't so uncomfortable anymore, and despite the approach of a snowy mountain range, I feel prepared. I have also been shown repeatedly that there are always more kind souls yet to meet on my travels - we are all walking in the same direction. 

Me, Myself and I

Today was a big day for me. I finally committed to breaking free of my cozy little Camino family and venture on without them. I walked 30 kms into Astorga and now i don't recognize any of the pilgrims around me. This is big for me because I won't have my chums to distract me from myself anymore. 

It is only recently that I've realized how much I enjoy socializing. I have been making a concerted effort to prioritize time with my family and friends for a while now, and that's been very rewarding. 

There is no question that all of us  want and need connection. All along the Camino I see evidence of it:  pilgrims are compelled to join in and share of strange little rituals like piling rocks on each other in honour of loved ones, or putting branches in chain link fences in the form of crosses, or building multitudes of inukshuks. We all want to be part of something bigger. Even the act of walking the Camino is evidence of our need for a shared experience. 

In fact, collective social activity has resulted in some pretty major accomplishments - like the magnificent cathedrals I've been frequenting lately. 

But now the Camino is gently teaching me the value of solitude. But this pilgrimage invites me to value private introspection. No one can walk 800 kilometres without coming face to face with themselves. 

At first, I thought my Camino was like a grand sightseeing adventure. I was enthralled with the changing landscapes. Then this walk morphed into a sort of mobile social event.  But now, I feel like my camino has evolved into a true pilgrimage:  i seem to be moving inside of myself more and more and i am really using this opportunity to explore my thoughts. 

I have historically disliked being alone with my thoughts. I have kept myself ridiculously busy my whole adult life to avoid dealing with them. Not the best policy, but a fairly common one.  Why am I afraid of my thoughts?  Probably because I don't like them. Sometimes they're not very nice. I judge others, then I judge myself for my judgemental thoughts. Ewww. 

The Camino's brilliance is that if forces a pilgrim to deal with her thoughts. I can't get busy and do something else - I can only walk and think....today I had 9 full hours with just me, my thoughts, and I. I can't even get distracted with external details - food, shelter, everything is taken care of.  I am left with no responsibility other than dealing with my own demons. Brilliant!  

And there is certainly no need to rush here on the Camino, either.  Rushing, accountability, responsibility and productivity are not welcome here. There are no takeout coffees to be had. Pilgrims will naturally find the selves paying more attention to their internal world. 

Moreover we are free to hide behind the language barrier if we choose - there is a fundamental respect on the path and within the albergues that allows each pilgrim privacy and solitude. 

With all this time to think, I'm entertaining myself by mulling over every single thought that enters my head. I study my thoughts in great detail and try to figure out where each one comes from and what new thought i'd prefer to replace it with. This slow and intentional practice results in a softer, more loving way of connecting with my world. My initial harsh judgements can evolve into understanding, acceptance, gratitude and forgiveness. I can see patterns I want to change and I can change the actions and behaviours that result from my thoughts. Lotsa fun!

I plan to play with this practice every day until I'm really good at it. It's hard to feel anxious about being alone when I am keen to welcome all my thoughts and study them. It is like a game for me (and of course I always like to take on a challenge). And so I am happy to be alone. I have nothing to fear. 

...and the Landscape keeps Changing...

Wow! I travelled over 40 kms today! Had to stop because I was soaked to the bone from a windy late afternoon storm. I'm in Villar de Mazarife tonight (left Puente Villarente early this morning). 

The pilgrim crowd seems to have thinned out for some mysterious reason, so now i can walk till late in the day and find a bed whenever i choose to stop.  At points today i walked for hours without seeing another person, car or village. It was incredible. 

This morning i was awed by the massive gothic cathedral in Leon, and met with various pilgrim friends in a few different cafes. 

Ya gotta love Spanish landscaping...

(Yes, that's fake grass)

But I really wanted to get out of the city. I prefer rural landscapes and quirky half-abandoned villages.  

...my odd little albergues has writing and pictures all over the walls. I think it's a hippie   hangout. 

Tomorrow I'll probably walk to Astorga. I'm really feeling the need to just walk as fast and as far as i want every day. If i do so, i will leave my Camino friends behind. They have come to be like family to me, so it's tough to let them go. But i rather love walking alone and walking far.  We shall see where I end up tomorrow...

Acceptance

As I set out walking this morning in temperatures just above freezing, I felt angry that no one had told me to pack warmer clothes.  I entertained myself for a kilometre or so by mentally castigating  all those who i felt had given me poor advice on what (and what not) to bring on my Camino. 

Then another kilometer was swallowed up with irritation as I reviewed a variety of small acts of kindness I'd offered to fellow pilgrims that i felt hadn't been appreciated. 

Fortunately, I had about 28 more kilometres to work through the thought that perhaps only I can be held responsible for my choices, regardless of what advice is provided or what I offer to anyone else...

It occurred to me eventually that when I offer advice, gifts or acts of service, I'm really only doing it for my own benefit. I do it purely because the act is designed to increase my personal value to myself or someone else. Ultimately, m just teying to meet my own needs:  I really just want to be valued and accepted. 

If I truly understand this, then how can I be angry with anyone else for doing the same thing?  It's human nature and it's driven by our need to survive and thrive. 

When someone recommends which path to take they are simply trying to meet their need for feeling useful and for acceptance.  All of our needs are fundamentally the same. So why should I feel angry if I don't like their recommendation?  I am free to choose to follow their suggestion or not. If i fail to find value in the choice that was made, that is my responsibility, not theirs. 

Finding fault in others' opinions, actions or recommendations is futile. Each of us has our own needs and agendas.  All I can do is learn to accept my own decisions and the decisions of others. I will just be unnecessarily angry and frustrated otherwise. I could minimize the number of kilometres i walk angrily on this planet if I genuinely accept this truth. 

Which led me to consider that on a larger scale, it would serve me well to accept that my whole life is really very much my responsibility. 

 I've lived many years in a holding pattern, pretty much waiting for someone to come and save me. That's how I imagined it should be. But if we are all simply living to meet our own needs, how can i continue to have faith in the model of two adults living "for" each other?  It's not a realistic model. 

Fortunately, my Camino adventure has taught me much about how strong and independent I can be:  I'm surrounded by excellent role models (including you, Darlene). 

 I'm starting to relish the idea that I can write my own script. I have an awesome opportunity to do exactly what I want with the rest of my life.

I don't know exactly how it will look - in fact, it might not look very different at all to others. But although my new life may (or may not) involve massive external changes, things will look a lot different from the inside. 

i will be working towards accepting my own decisions and the decisions of others.  its exciting for me to know that 

a) i can accept that everything and every choice is perfect for me; and 

b)  I can accept that I'm not required to depend on or change anyone else. 

So there is little need for frustration, disappointment, anger or resentment with myself or anyone else. The rest of my journey is mine and i can do it any way i please. All I know is that I am committed to looking for knowledge along every kilometre of my path. 

Ps. I'm more than halfway to my final destination on the Camino:  Santiago de Compostela. Tomorrow I will spend the day and night in Leon with my happy little crew of Camino friends.