Learning To Trust

Trust is Big for me. 

I live in fear of so many things:  will I find a bed to sleep in soon?  Will my alberge have hot water?  Have my children been ok in my absence?  Will they have missed me?  Is inglewood the right place for me?  Will I have enough money to live comfortably when I'm old?  Will I leave a legacy to be proud of?  It goes on and on...

But the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I'm really just creating anxiety for myself with all these fears:  getting all worked up over things that may or may not happen in the future serves no intelligent purpose whatsoever. 

All I need to do is TRUST that everything is and always will be perfectly fine.  All I need to is to have FAITH that everything is always in the hands of God and thus will work out exactly as it should.  

Of course I need to take care of daily issues and prepare for the future, but all of the drama associated with fear is entirely unnecessary. 

How do I arrive at this ideal state?  

Surrender.  

I need to learn to surrender myself to God. Just as (on a smaller scale) I have surrendered myself to this pilgrimage, I am intentionally choosing to surrender my whole life to a deeper faith in God. 

I didn't think I began this pilgrimage for religious reasons. But here I am contemplating my relationship with God and discovering restoration in it. 

I thought i was here to go for a walk and take some nice photographs of rural spain. Yet i have found myself walking 25-30 kms a day for the past 30 days ultimately to arrive at the interred remains of Saint James the apostle of Christ.  St. James exemplified complete trust in God. centuries of pilgrims have walked this same path demonstrating their personal commitment to God....There is a lot of trust happening here on the Camino....no wonder I don't feel alone on this path.  

Jesus provides me with the most obvious illustration of trust. He lived and died to teach us that we can never be at peace until we surrender ourselves to God. Before Jesus's arrival, we were really messing up Big Time; we needed a more direct message. Sadly, Jesus's example still isn't direct enough for most of us. I'm not alone in working through my struggle with complete Trust. Independently and corporately, we perpetually distort and misinterpret God's creative genius and love, and Jesus's teachings.

It's hard:  It feels unnatural to let go and trust in something we can't see.  Our egos struggle to hold on to the fantasy of control. But that's exactly why God does not impose trust on us; instead we are asked to trust. It wouldn't be "faith" if it were obvious. And it wouldn't be as powerful. 

I believe we are all hardwired to believe in a higher power. Every civilization throughout time has worshipped something greater than themselves. Besides, there's no way that this incomprehensibly brilliant universe evolved by chance. Physics shows us that matter doesn't randomly progress towards order, rather, everything is prone to devolve into disorder. The beautiful and complex geographical, cultural and interpersonal harmony I've been awed by for the last month does not happen by random chance. 

We aren't even close to understanding the genius of our universe and the genius within ourselves - how can we fail to recognize that we are part of a grand design?

somewhere along this trek across Spain, I have come closer to resolving, repairing and reconciling my personal faith in God. Tens of thousands pilgrims before me have arrived in Santiago and fallen to their knees before a statue of a man that demonstrated huge faith in God. I will do the same. 

I still don't understand God.  I hope I never do.  I don't think any one religion is a direct pathway to heaven. But I am coming closer to experiencing peace on earth. I know where my faith lies. I am practicing trust. I am stronger than I've ever been, but only through surrendering to something greater than my self. 

It's been a long journey. I'm like a little snail travelling along the Camino de Santiago de Compostela. Moreover, this journey of mine will continue as long as I live. 

I thought I'd have my whole future planned out by the time I finished my Camino. Instead, the Camino taught me to stop worrying about designing a master plan and to simply rest in God's plan for me. All I have to do is recognize and accept it. 

The paradox is that surrendering to faith allows me to co-create my experience with god. when i challenge what I am given, I am not in alliance with God. Whereas, when I acknowledge and embrace God's energy, my world naturally becomes more peaceful and harmonious. 

I intend to listen and intuit the choices and directions that are ideal for me. I will practice recognizing those feelings and thoughts that indicate when I am and am not being true to my higher self. 

I may not subscribe to traditional religious rituals, but I intend to worship in gratitude with increasing frequency. And I have much to be grateful for!

And I can hardly wait to get home!!!

Am I There Yet?

Note:  the following  post was published the day after it was written due to limited wifi access in this remote, rural part of northern spain. 

 

I guess this is the REAL test of whether I've grown at all on the Camino:

It's Tuesday evening and I only have 3 more days of walking ahead of me followed by a couple of days to decompress in Santiago. 

Today was the first and only day of perfect weather (the cold, wet weather is expected to return tomorrow). I Still needed my down vest, jacket, hoodie and gloves this morning, but it's mild enough tonight to actually sit outside without a coat.

 It probably sounds like I'm obsessing about the weather, but when spending up to 9 hours walking outside, followed by the opportunity for evenings of exploration, relaxation or socializing outdoors, weather matters. 

So tonight is one of my last evenings, blessed with perfect weather, that ill experience in my almost six weeks in Europe.  Am I enjoying it fully or am I anxious about my choice of tonight's destination and/or the impending end of my travels?  

If  i have truly learned to be content and at peace with the choices I make and those that are made for me, I would be able to honestly say that all is perfect and I feel marvellous. 

Sadly, that is not my first response. Here i am relaxing in a lovely, quiet village (Ligonde), watching myself wish I were perhaps in a bigger town tonight (like say, where watching the farmers herd the cattle through the main intersection weren't the most captivating activity or where the tractors didn't outnumber the cars...) And laughably, I'm actually anxious because i fear my Camino is almost over and i may not be completely cured of all my angst!  i only have a few more days and I'm not perfect yet!!!  oh no!!!!! 

Pretty amusing, eh?  (Geez, It can be SOOO complicated being me!)

It disturbs me that This chronic issue of my questioning if I'm in the "right" place even surfaces when I'm in a beautiful location, following a wonderful day, in the heart of an extended period of deep introspection. And even more ridiculously, when i observe my discontent, i cast judgement on myself for my "unreasonable" anxiety!  Is there any hope for me?

I would like to arrive at a place inside of myself where I feel at peace under all but the most trying circumstances: where i trust fully that I'm always in the "right place", and not fearful or angry with myself for my own inadequacies. Is that achievable?  How the heck do i get there?  

Fortunately, Ive experienced many moments of contentment and even bliss, where i feel truly awake and alive.  i know what it feels like to radiate  and receive the pure energy of acceptance and love.  Moreover, I've skrewed up a million times and I've witnessed how everything always works out just as it should. I know that ill never be perfect by everyone's standards, but that I'm perfectly worthy just as i am. 

I intend to be happy with my choices and to accept who I am. Maybe someday I will find that I don't have to think about it anymore, peace will become my default state of being. 

Earlier today it occurred to me that for the most part, have learned to walk the Camino at my own pace and be happy with that. I can walk for hours alone, but inevitably i will find either an old or a new Camino friend walking beside me at some point. My walking partners come and go, it is only I that remains constant. Over the last 740 kms I have become my own best walking mate.  I am never lonely, and my pace is always perfect for me.   Maybe I can always walk on my own and at my own pace, and yet feel whole, complete and good enough, all by myself. 

So even if i don't actually feel like I'm perfect yet, i can still choose to celebrate my journey. I think ill just go grab me some pilgrim friends and have some fun on the sunny patio tonight. I will consciously acknowledge all the things I am grateful for - around me and inside of me. I will choose to look for God's perfect creation everywhere, and i will delight in every pleasure I can find. 

Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. But I won't concern myself with that now. I am happy to be right here!  

Postscript:

I had a lovely evening!

An Idyllic Day

I didn't have access to wifi last night, so I'm uploading this post from a cafe in Portomarin (they often offer free wifi to their patrons). 

The walk from Samos back to the regular Camino trail was amazingly beautiful. I would not have been surprised if a unicorn jumped out of the forest and into my path. I didn't see another human for hours. Just happy cows in lush green pastures, jungle-like ancient oak forests and family run farmsteads that look like they haven't changed in hundreds of years. Breathtaking. 

I split town at sunrise yesterday thinking I was leaving my second (or maybe my third) Camino family behind me, but when I stopped at a random cafe 4 hours later, my german friend Elke and then Vito suddenly appeared. Too funny. Off we continued as a little troop again. I love how Camino friends just sort of come and go as I walk. No matter how it works out, it's always perfect. 

I passed the 100 km to Santiago mark just at my auberge last evening.

I have mixed feelings about that. The weather, scenery and the alberges continue to improve each day. I am thoroughly enjoying myself, although if i didn't have a plane to catch id actually prefer to walk less the the 25-30 kms I'm walking each day. But I'm missing my kids, my friends, my home, my pets and my garden. So I know I'll be ok to head home next Monday morning. (I'm trying to arrange to spend 2 days in Santiago before I leave). 

The place Where i stayed last night was idyllic.  Here's the backyard:

 It was an old stone house perched above hundreds of acres of rolling hillside, with cowbells tinkling, frogs, crickets and birds chirping, and of course roosters and church bells, too. Wow. I'm so lucky to be here.  It's so crazy awesome!  

I did my yoga under this tree (with the happy cows cheering me on...)

God Lives Here

OMG!  Today was even more spectacular than yesterday!  Wow. I'm blown away. I took another side trail today, less travelled by pilgrims, and I arrived in a tiny village (Samos) dominated by a Benidictine monestary that has been functioning since the 6th century!!!  I'll be meeting my pals shortly for dinner on a sunny patio. Following that, we'll be attending a full vespers service (including gregorian chanting in the ancient stone cathedral), and a full mass. I'm scared... I don't feel worthy!

Part of my learning experience here includes coming to terms with my disappointment and anger with the the Roman catholic religion. I initially responded with repulsion to the great cathedrals, devoted clergy, and multitude of religious remnants. I could only judge this overealous and historically violent faith as bordeirline insanity. 

....

Just going to bed now after the church service, followed promptly by drinks with my buddies. The mass moved me to tears as I confronted my own responsibility for my disillusionment with the church.  I'm starting to figure out that condemning the church is just another defensive act on my part. A macro example of my petty judgements and failure to accept love...

Again, I find myself seeing things from a new perspective:  there is no one to be angry with - the Catholic Church merely represents individuals trying to understand and experience God.  How can I find fault in that?  I am doing the same thing on my own terms. None of us is perfect - not even the priests - though we all want to trust that there is perfection on earth. We make of God what we need to, but God is simply love. I am capable of accepting and experiencing that. I felt god's presence all day in the heavenly creation of this countryside. It is enduring, it is magnificent, it is unknowable, it is holy. I am absolutely worthy of knowing that!

Best Day Ever

Ok. This was the most beautiful walking day of all: including Unbelievably lush forests in deep gorges and spectacular vistas from mountain tops. After 26 kms Ive settled in Fonfria.

 Last night's big event in our village was the birth of a foal, tonight I'm watching the villagers round up their cows for milking in the barn across the street from my alberge. Awesome. 

I was somewhat overwhelmed by the staggering beauty of the scenery today, but managed to find opportunities to practice watching my thoughts. The more I successfully witness and delay my response to unfavourable events, the more my commitment to this practice grows. It always results in a better outcome. 

Whether its Competing for cramped, limited accommodations, trying to sleep among many snoring bodies, remaining calm when my bunk mates insist on packing up at 6 am, or arriving at yet another steep incline on the trail, my patience gets tested often. Even issues at home must be dealt with. But every time I watch my reactions, pause and reformat my response, the situation is diffused.  Cool. 

Additionally, meeting new people continues to provide me with ample opportunity to be more truthful about my personal narrative. 

I look forward to another day of exploring, walking, sharing and thinking. I wish everyone could have this opportunity.  

Sunshine in Spain

Wow. This just gets better by the day.

It's soooo nice to be here in fair weather! I'm lying on the grass by a river with a cold beer and wifi. I have a bed for the night in a clean and warm albergues (for the exorbitant cost of 10 euros). I've had a hot shower after hiking around 25 kms over yet another mountain (the high route via Pradela beyond Villafranca), done my daily yoga and washing, and am now feeling stupidly blissed out. This is f'ing awesome. I wish everyone could do this. 

I enjoyed a lot of great conversation today with a lovely German woman ive been spending time with. I am reminded of how important my relationships with my female friends are to me.  I am humbled and grateful to have a handful of beautiful, strong and loving female friends who are constant, encouraging and kind.

It's really only over the last six months or so that I've come to really value the importance of my female friends (including my mom) in my life. I'm embarrassed that its taken me this long to finally recognize that balanced, honest relationships with women are paramount to my well-being.  Its also only very recently that ive learned the importance of releasing the women from my life who are not good for me.

I look forward to nurturing and celebrating each of these wonderful relationships in the future. (Girls:  I hope you know who you are!  I love you!!!   My whole world is more awesome with you in it!!!)

Ps. This little pony was just born this morning!  How amazing to watch him jump and play on his first day in the grass!

Technical Difficulties

Yeah!!!! The weather is improving!  I can't tell you how awesome that is!  It didn't rain once today and that's a blessing for a pilgrim. It's tough to dry your clothes when it's cold and wet. 

Today i spent a few hours in Ponferrada ( a good sized town) and failed to find anyone to look at my brain damaged Nikon. Apparently I'd have to take it to Barcelona or Madrid for attention...And I'm not walking that far.  So I took my albatross to the post office and sent it forward to Santiago. It will be nice not to have to carry it anymore!  Then I bought a cute little 16 megapixel point and shoot camera. Strangely. The little sucker won't take a charge.  Hmmm, clearly the Camino needs to kick me in the head really hard to get the message across that I am NOT to obsess with photography on this trip...

then i got my haircut!  You know you're gone a long time when you need to get a haircut... I think I might have had the nicest hair on the Camino for the afternoon!

The sun came out in the afternoon after hours of walking through the city. it felt beautiful. I finished the day in a little town on the edge of a wine region (Cacabelos). I had a lovely meal with an international group I've been meeting at various alberges and cafes for several days.  I'm excited to be entering this beautiful region of Spain. There are more mountains in the distance!!!

Even the bark on the trees is interesting here: